Help Me Understand

Here I am again. I feel like I've changed so much since I last wrote. So much has happened. I never seem to think anything ever happens in my life, but now that I'm sitting here thinking about it, so much has. College is college. It's not everything I expected it to be, I mean it's better than I thought it was before in my last blog, but it's not what I was hoping it would be I guess. I think I got excited thinking that I'd have a new beginning full of new people, but although I'm beginning to see how most of the people I've met here could be potentially true friends unlike the ones I have back home, I haven't been able to "transform" into the friendly girl everyone loves. Everyone on my floor I feel like is becoming great friends with one another, except for me. I feel like they don't give me a chance. I just never know what to say to people. I think I missed out on some huge social lesson. Maybe I just try too hard thinking of things to say though, I don't know. It just gets me down. I feel like no one could care less on whether they were friends with me or not, besides my roomates. And it just kind of makes me feel sad, like I'll never be good enough for these people or any other people. I'm really trying to be friends with them, it's hard. I love my roomates though. God blessed me with them. If it wasn't for them there's no way in hell I'd still be here. It just goes to prove that once someone truly gets to know me, they understand me, and want to hang out with me. It's nice for a change to feel like I have girlfriends that actually care. Gosh, in a week I get to go back home and see all the girls from my small group...yay. It's going to be so weird. I feel like when we all get together it will just be like a huge competition to see who's changed the most, who has the hottest boyfriend, who's the most popular, who looks the greatest and on and on it's so rediculous. I look at the pics they post on facebook...I should clarify I look at one of the girl's, Lane's, facebook pics and it disgusts me. I've known this girl since 3rd grade. I wanted her to be the best friend that I'd never had, but instead she pretty much just screwed up middle school and the beginning of high school for me. She's one of the girls that you just want to shake sometimes. She's so two-faced!!! She comes to church and small group acting like she really believes and wants to live a life following Christ, but then she goes off to college and posts pics of herself drinking and looking like a slut. Ah, she makes me so mad. I just want to scream at her: "Who do you think you are?!" Why do I get so worked up over other people though? I really should just drop it. She'll figure it out one day that she's wasting her life away. On a whole different subject I've been trying so hard to get connected with Christians here and to really fall in love with God again. I've gotten connected, but I feel like God is so far away. I feel like I had my chance and now it's over. I so badly want to go back to my first mission trip in Mexico and feel God like I did then. It was so amazing, words cannot describe. It's funny how that was the trip that made me feel so close to Him and the trip that pushed me so far away from Him. When I returned back home after the trip, I don't know what exactly happened but the world that I came back to hit me hard. It was so hard to come back home to where I have everything and not feel God at all after just coming from a place that had nothing, but I could feel God so closely. And then ever since then it's just like there's nothing drawing me back. I feel like God Himself is pushing me away. I mean deep down I know He's not, but that's how it feels and I don't understand why. Like I know that the devil is out there trying to push us all away from God, but God is more powerful than him so I just don't understand. Like there's this boy, I'm not sure if I've mentioned him already, Peter, that I couldn't live without. He means so much to me; he amazes me. He was born in New York to parents that were alcoholics and druggies, came to Colorado to live with his aunt, got in a huge car accident where he was in ICU for like a week, his aunt died of breast cancer, has lived in like 5 different homes in the past 2 years, just recently got kicked out of another apartment and fired from his job because he was accused of stealing, and now lives at my house. It just makes me so so so mad that this has happened. I just don't understand why God would do this, like it's one thing after another. It makes me so mad. I just want to help him. I would do anything for the boy and I feel like God has all the power in the world to help him and just keeps making his life worse, I don't get it. And then I feel like God has given me the worst luck in the whole world. Nothing terrible happens to me I just feel like more bad things happen to me than your average person, and I don't think that's fair. I just don't understand and I feel like me not understanding is what is holding me back. I hate it, but it doesn't go away. I'm trying to be a devoted Christian, I am. I just don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, anywhere at all. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Where Did All the Good People Go?

The summer went by so fast. I didn't even have time to blog any more till now. I feel like there's so much to say, but I don't even know where to begin or if all of it even matters any more. Noel and I sort of made amends, but she still doesn't seem to think that she was the problem and not me so I don't know how our "friendship" will turn out now that were so extremely far apart. I mean if we can't stay in contact when we live fifteen minutes from each other how would we stay in contact when we're like 15 hours or so from each other? Well anyways its funny now that I have officially moved away from my home-town, high school, high school friends, etc. I'm really starting to see how much of a joke my "friends" are. They don't care. We all know they don't care and never really did. They just wanted you to think that their friendship with you was something that was important to them. In the end I truly think they all just cared about their popularity, which is really sad. I mean great they wanted to be social and have friends, but where will that get them in the future? Well popularity and knowing the right people now-a-days I guess will get you far, but that is really despicable, in my opinion. I'm going to work hard for my future. At least I will know that I earned it fair and square right? Well anyways...I'm up at college now and I guess it's not all I'd been hoping it'd be, at least so far. Maybe when my classes start it will be better, because I'll have something to keep me entertained and not worried about what other people are doing. I came to college ready to try to be outgoing and not so introverted like I usually am. It worked at first, but then it just started to seem like no one really cared anyways. I'm not obnoxiously pretty or bubbly so I feel like sometimes people just look me over. In my opinion, I'm one of those people that you really have to get to know before you'll want to hang out with more or anything. If that makes since? Back to what I was trying to say before though, I just wish that not everyone at college was obsessed with partying and drinking. It's just dumb, I wish that other people could see that. I feel like I'm the one at fault, because I'm not drinking and being "social". But I guess it's just something I have to deal with. My roommates went out tonight and they said that they weren't hardly going to drink at all. I said it was totally fine and that I'd just stay here and watch a movie with my boy friend, but it's really starting to bother me now. I feel like they're going to start hanging out all the time and doing this kind of stuff that I refuse to do and they'll start getting close and all be the odd man out, which stinks because that's what I've tried so hard to get away from. Maybe I'll meet some cool people in some of my classes though. I have to try to be optimistic, especially when I'm always on the edge of tears from being homesick. It's hard. I was trying to figure out why I'm so against alcohol and partying, well like what gave such negative feelings about it and I've decided on two things. It's sort of late though so maybe I'll continue on in that subject in my next blog...

Turn Around and Notice Me

So I haven't written for a while...but I've been contemplating on what to write about next. I let Noel how I felt a few weeks ago and she took it really well and said she understood how I felt. Then we spent some time together and I got to help her pack for her two week trip out of the country. When I got home I felt great and I felt like we were back on track in our friendship...Then she came back home and I was so excited to see her and hear about her trip, but she blew me off for who knows who or what. Whatever, I don't know what to say about her anymore. I am however still planning on leaving this photo book I made of her and I at the end of the summer at her house, because I've been working on it for a while and well, I want to make her feel bad that she ditched me, the one who cared. Ya I know I'm mean, but at least I can admit it. I just wish people would look around them and notice who is following them every step of the way and caring for them and lending them a shoulder when they need one. Because we are the ones you can walk away from and turn your back to, and then you can come running back and turn your face to us and we'll still fucking be there for you and only you. We get so angry with you and so frustrated and swear we'll never talk to you again, but we can't let you get away no matter how badly we want to. And when you do decide to lean on our shoulders we feel like we successfully accomplished something, what I don't know, but something; something great. Then the whole thing happens over and over and over again. It sucks being the one who gets to see your back most of the time. I'm not even sure you know what my face looks like. No, I know you don't know what my face looks like, because if you did you'd never turn around.

Dumb Girls

So blogging is not as great as I thought it would be. Well it's great, I guess it's just not as helpful as I imagined it would be. I'm still pretty upset with the whole Noel and Lily thing and blogging about it hasn't made me feel any better. And things just seem to keep getting worse. Like last night I had small group with a group of girls, which included Noel. When I got to small group early, well at least I thought, everyone else has already been there for at least a half hour or so. So I'm already pretty upset and then they start talking about drinking and how they just want to know what their limit is and my small group leader, who is like 40 years old, agrees that that's a good idea. And let me just say we are not 21 years old and we should not be drinking. So I just sit there for a while saying nothing, cause I have nothing to say because I do not partake in under-age drinking. And the whole time I'm just thinking how dumb all of these girls are. I have way to much to lose to be involved in any of that nonsense, it's dumb and ridiculous. If any of them get caught they could get in big trouble. Ya I know I sound like a goody-too shoes, but under-age drinking is a dumb thing to do and I am not dumb. So anyways, by the time small group is done I've said like two words and no one even asks me if anything is okay or anything! Like wow thanks a lot for caring, especially you Noel. So now I've decided to never go to small group again, because what's the point if I don't learn anything except how dumb and stupid everyone else is?

Get Your Own Spot

I guess I will start with today...I have this friend Noel (I'm not actually using anyone's real name), and I would consider her to be my best friend. We don't hangout every single second or call each other every day or anything like that, we're just very close and have been through lots of events together. Noel is very social, everyone knows her, and she's very bubbly, friendly, and outgoing. And I, on the other hand, would call myself and introvert. I'm pretty shy, but once I'm comfortable around someone then I'm much more talkative and fun to be around. So anyways Noel and I, before the school year ended, planned out all of these things we wanted to do this summer. But then all of the sudden this other girl, Lily, steps in to the picture. Noel always wants to include every one and make them feel welcome and ya-da-ya-da-ya-da so Lily "had" to come along to all of these end of the year parties Noel and I went to. Before I know it Lily is apparently Noel's new best friend and they're inviting me to do things with them. And usually I don't care at all if Noel hangs out with other people, but this time it's different. It's like Lily took my spot. It's like she didn't create her own spot, she just took mine. And I hate drama and jealousy and all of that, but right now I'm really frusterated about it. Two days ago I called Noel to see if she wanted to hang out and she said ya sure I just have to run some errands with my mom first. Then later I get a text from her saying she just got done, but she had this other thing to go to and that she'd have to make a rain check for tomorrow. That was fine whatever, it wasn't that big of a deal. The next day I try to reach her on her phone and she won't answer, so I call her house and her mom says that she has her phone with her but it must be off or something. Today she texts me that she couldn't find her phone all yesterday and that she is so sorry, but we can hang out today. Since it's impossible for me to hold a grudge against someone and since she's leaving the country soon for a trip, I hung out with her today, but it felt weird the whole time. It felt like I was the friend she was just trying to include, it felt lame. By the time I got home though I forgot about the whole thing and felt like I was dumb to get mad at Lily. But then of course I look at Facebook, and Lily has posted a whole album of pics of her and Noel and their "exciting" day they had yesterday when I was supposed to hang out with Noel! Gosh I feel so dumb being so so mad about this, but having a best friend means a lot to me and I don't think it's right that Lily can just take that away from me so easily. Maybe I'm just being way to sensitive about the situation though. Maybe after Noel comes back from her trip everything will go back to the way it was...

Blogging Here I Come....

Here lies my first blog ever. I've never really thought about blogging before til last night and I'm pretty sure it was the Sex and the City movie that popped the idea in to my head. By the way I've never even seen a full episode before, but my friend dragged me along to see the movie with her and I ended up liking the movie, except that it was really long and girls are way too obsessed with that show. But back to what I was saying, the idea of blogging really intrigues me. I love how I can say whatever I want to say and I can write whatever is on my mind and no one will actually know who exactly I am. I have a lot to say about things and I never really get to tell anyone the full story of what I have to say, or how angered or happy I am about a certain event. So here is my solution. I really can't believe I didn't think of this before...Where shall I begin?