Help Me Understand

Here I am again. I feel like I've changed so much since I last wrote. So much has happened. I never seem to think anything ever happens in my life, but now that I'm sitting here thinking about it, so much has. College is college. It's not everything I expected it to be, I mean it's better than I thought it was before in my last blog, but it's not what I was hoping it would be I guess. I think I got excited thinking that I'd have a new beginning full of new people, but although I'm beginning to see how most of the people I've met here could be potentially true friends unlike the ones I have back home, I haven't been able to "transform" into the friendly girl everyone loves. Everyone on my floor I feel like is becoming great friends with one another, except for me. I feel like they don't give me a chance. I just never know what to say to people. I think I missed out on some huge social lesson. Maybe I just try too hard thinking of things to say though, I don't know. It just gets me down. I feel like no one could care less on whether they were friends with me or not, besides my roomates. And it just kind of makes me feel sad, like I'll never be good enough for these people or any other people. I'm really trying to be friends with them, it's hard. I love my roomates though. God blessed me with them. If it wasn't for them there's no way in hell I'd still be here. It just goes to prove that once someone truly gets to know me, they understand me, and want to hang out with me. It's nice for a change to feel like I have girlfriends that actually care. Gosh, in a week I get to go back home and see all the girls from my small group...yay. It's going to be so weird. I feel like when we all get together it will just be like a huge competition to see who's changed the most, who has the hottest boyfriend, who's the most popular, who looks the greatest and on and on it's so rediculous. I look at the pics they post on facebook...I should clarify I look at one of the girl's, Lane's, facebook pics and it disgusts me. I've known this girl since 3rd grade. I wanted her to be the best friend that I'd never had, but instead she pretty much just screwed up middle school and the beginning of high school for me. She's one of the girls that you just want to shake sometimes. She's so two-faced!!! She comes to church and small group acting like she really believes and wants to live a life following Christ, but then she goes off to college and posts pics of herself drinking and looking like a slut. Ah, she makes me so mad. I just want to scream at her: "Who do you think you are?!" Why do I get so worked up over other people though? I really should just drop it. She'll figure it out one day that she's wasting her life away. On a whole different subject I've been trying so hard to get connected with Christians here and to really fall in love with God again. I've gotten connected, but I feel like God is so far away. I feel like I had my chance and now it's over. I so badly want to go back to my first mission trip in Mexico and feel God like I did then. It was so amazing, words cannot describe. It's funny how that was the trip that made me feel so close to Him and the trip that pushed me so far away from Him. When I returned back home after the trip, I don't know what exactly happened but the world that I came back to hit me hard. It was so hard to come back home to where I have everything and not feel God at all after just coming from a place that had nothing, but I could feel God so closely. And then ever since then it's just like there's nothing drawing me back. I feel like God Himself is pushing me away. I mean deep down I know He's not, but that's how it feels and I don't understand why. Like I know that the devil is out there trying to push us all away from God, but God is more powerful than him so I just don't understand. Like there's this boy, I'm not sure if I've mentioned him already, Peter, that I couldn't live without. He means so much to me; he amazes me. He was born in New York to parents that were alcoholics and druggies, came to Colorado to live with his aunt, got in a huge car accident where he was in ICU for like a week, his aunt died of breast cancer, has lived in like 5 different homes in the past 2 years, just recently got kicked out of another apartment and fired from his job because he was accused of stealing, and now lives at my house. It just makes me so so so mad that this has happened. I just don't understand why God would do this, like it's one thing after another. It makes me so mad. I just want to help him. I would do anything for the boy and I feel like God has all the power in the world to help him and just keeps making his life worse, I don't get it. And then I feel like God has given me the worst luck in the whole world. Nothing terrible happens to me I just feel like more bad things happen to me than your average person, and I don't think that's fair. I just don't understand and I feel like me not understanding is what is holding me back. I hate it, but it doesn't go away. I'm trying to be a devoted Christian, I am. I just don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, anywhere at all. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.